DO YOU LOVE YOU?

(Original post at Wishadoo.org)

It's Valentine's Day -- February 14, 2014 – and love, love, love is in the air. One day each year we're surrounded by talk of love and bear witness to ways of expressing our love for one another. 

A few days ago a dear friend posed a question which elicited a rather unusual reply from me.  I didn't realize it as I began composing my reply, but what I ended up sharing was a revelation about my core personal beliefs. In keeping with the intention to deepen my work, I'm sharing this interaction and my feelings about love this Valentine's Day.

The question posed by my friend, who was in a state of emotional distress, involved seeking spiritual guidance and the most effective, meaningful way to do that.

(Spiritual.  See, merely typing that word here, publicly, is a shift for me and part of the deepening of which I speak. I have always considered myself spiritual though not religious. What I mean by that is that I, personally, feel I have a direct connection with ______ [insert your chosen word here; I really don't have a word, which may be why I have avoided discussing in depth in the past].  I genuinely respect most people who follow a religious path or specific spiritual path, as well as those who claim the labels of atheist and agnostic. I see it all as a choice; we're each making a choice as to what we believe regarding the realm of the unseen and deeper meaning. I am one of those annoying people who freely admits I do not know anything, and I'm okay with that.)

Back to my friend's question…

We have quite a few spiritual friends in common, so I knew she would receive a lot of very helpful, specific guidance regarding others' practices and beliefs.

Yet her question triggered something within me and prompted me to dig deep and explore why most religious and/or spiritual paths don't resonate wholly with me on a personal level.

Here is what I wrote:

Do you believe, or can you open to the possibility, that part of your Being is pure love and sheer perfection? You...the unique soul imprint we know as _____. Your Highest Self, as I call it.

Like you, I also tend to get caught up in words: God, Spirit, The Universe...and get lost when I try to envision or describe God, Spirit, The Universe. So much is beyond our ability to comprehend, imho; I can't begin to put what I choose to believe into words.

When I simply go within and tap into myself, for lack of better words, and trust that part of Who I Am is Pure Love and all the wonderful qualities we attribute to God, Spirit, The Universe, that works for me.

I am more comfortable with myself than with any other being, and I believe we are each manifestations of God/Spirit/The Universe. So, I ask, I beg, I pray, I set intentions, I express gratitude...I convene with my Highest Self, trusting that in doing so I'm also convening with God/Spirit/The Universe. I have an unshakable belief in our Interbeing with all life.

To me, it's a much more simple, direct line of communication, with familiarity, and takes away some of the discomfort, confusion and perhaps even a sense of unworthiness that I sensed in your post when seeking guidance.

I wouldn't ever, ever be afraid to ask something of myself. 

I love myself. I may get disappointed and even disgusted with myself at times but, all in all, I truly and deeply love myself.

I sincerely hope you love you, my friend.  I love you.

I found myself in tears after I wrote that. I felt such tremendous love for myself. No, really, I did. I know it sounds weird, and I'm sharing this precisely because I don't think it should sound or feel weird.

We so often speak of self-love and showing compassion for ourselves and really feeling it, not just saying the words.  Over the last few weeks I've been mindful of saying, out loud, "I love you, Dena." At first it was awkward, but I broke through the awkward stage, and when I wrote my thoughts to my friend I experienced one of those euphoric moments in which I truly felt it…not only for myself but for my friend and all beings. 

Now, don't get me wrong. Many people view me as some touchy-feely, hippie, kumbaya person who espouses "love and light" for everyone and everything, so when I express disdain for someone's actions, they accuse me of being a hypocrite.

The love of which I speak here doesn't translate into me wanting to develop a relationship with every person I meet; there are people I have removed from my life because I view them as toxic, to put it mildly. Removing them from my life is the most loving action I can take for myself and the person involved.

That said, on that "higher" level – the aspect of me that embodies the highest level of my own humanity -- I can say I sincerely love them, as I don't believe they are "evil" or "bad" people in their heart of hearts.  I believe we are intrinsically connected and interdependent in an energetic sense, so I most definitely wish them well and certainly do not wish them any harm.

But I have zero interest in having them in my life, as I strongly dislike aspects of who they are and how they behave and how it all affects me.

I also believe many people who claim to be atheist or agnostic feel this same sense of Interbeing and interconnectedness of which I speak, without being able to (or perhaps without needing to) articulate it.  They recognize that all beings – all humans and all creatures and the Earth herself – are interconnected and interdependent.

I will share more soon about my experiences which have led to this unshakable belief in the interconnectedness of all beings, our Interbeing, as it is the foundation of how I have navigated my journey through life thus far.

My belief in Interbeing is contrasted with the real experience of what I refer to as "othering."  Whenever we feel a sense of disconnection and subsequently treat other beings accordingly – or experience this treatment ourselves --  the result is usually tremendous pain and suffering. Wishadoo! was created to provide a space to connect in an attempt to heal our pain and suffering, and then to inject more joy into our human experience.

In considering my friend's question, I realized that my perception of many spiritual and religious paths involves othering -- a disconnection or externalization of one's faith as being separate from ourselves as individuals. Many believe the origins and core essence of most belief systems and religions are steeped in authentic Universal Love, yet putting those beliefs into practice – including how we pray and convene with Spirit (I'll use that word here) – has become complicated and now seems to require an intermediary of sorts, be it in the form of sacred scripture, clergy, specific rituals, specific prayers, etc. 

(Please know that I realize each person's beliefs are very personal and unique, so I'm not trying to make a blanket statement; I'm sharing my own perceptions and my feelings. Our connection to All That Is is part of my belief in Interbeing, and resultant sensitivity to the pain of disconnection and othering.)

For those of you who do believe in God/Spirit/The Universe, I ask you to please consider the possibility that you may "other" Spirit at times when you doubt your direct connection.

I ask you to please consider the possibility that you may "other" yourself in a multitude of ways more often than you'd like to admit.

I ask you to take a moment to sit quietly and ask yourself: 

"Do I love me?"  

Tell yourself you do. Say it out loud, even if it doesn't feel sincere at first and even if you feel extraordinarily awkward.

"I love you, _____."

Say it until you believe it.  Do the inner work that makes it possible, that makes it authentic.

And know that you are loved.

I say with a full, wide-open heart that I love me.

I also love you.

I love All That Is.

Happy Valentine's Day.

~  Dena

P.S. – The hit song by A Great Big World, Say Something, has really struck a cord with people of all ages (see 4-year-old's emotional reaction). I can't really tell why it touches people so deeply; perhaps it's a very unique, individual reaction for each of us.  I find it poignant yet exquisite in its simplicity.  

I ask you to listen to the song and try not to take it too literally; imagine singing this to yourself.  Don't walk away from yourself, don't give up on yourself. Say something...loving to yourself.  (refresh page if video doesn't show)

PRACTICAL COMPASSION | Sharing thoughts, ideas, and visions of a more compassionate, collaborative, joy-filled world.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR A BAD DAY, by Shane Koyczan

Below are lyrics for the spoken-word poem, "Instructions For A Bad Day"....


"There will be bad days. Be calm. Loosen your grip, opening each palm slowly now. Let go. Be confident. Know that now is only a moment, and that if today is as bad as it gets, understand that by tomorrow, today will have ended. Be gracious. Accept each extended hand offered, to pull you back from the somewhere you cannot escape. Be diligent. Scrape the gray sky clean. Realize every dark cloud is a smoke screen meant to blind us from the truth, and the truth is whether we see them or not - the sun and moon are still there and always there is light. Be forthright. Despite your instinct to say "it's alright, I'm okay" - be honest. Say how you feel without fear or guilt, without remorse or complexity. Be lucid in your explanation, be sterling in your oppose. If you think for one second no one knows what you've been going through; be accepting of the fact that you are wrong, that the long drawn and heavy breaths of despair have at times been felt by everyone - that pain is part of the human condition and that alone makes you a legion. We hungry underdogs, we risers with dawn, we dissmisser's of odds, we blesser's of on – we will station ourselves to the calm. We will hold ourselves to the steady, be ready player one. Life is going to come at you armed with hard times and tough choices, your voice is your weapon, your thoughts ammunition – there are no free extra men, be aware that as the instant now passes, it exists now as then. So be a mirror reflecting yourself back, and remembering the times when you thought all of this was too hard and you'd never make it through. Remember the times you could have pressed quit – but you hit continue. Be forgiving. Living with the burden of anger, is not living. Giving your focus to wrath will leave your entire self absent of what you need. Love and hate are beasts and the one that grows is the one you feed. Be persistent. Be the weed growing through the cracks in the cement, beautiful - because it doesn't know it's not supposed to grow there. Be resolute. Declare what you accept as true in a way that envisions the resolve with which you accept it. If you are having a good day, be considerate. A simple smile could be the first-aid kit that someone has been looking for. If you believe with absolute honesty that you are doing everything you can - do more. There will be bad days, Times when the world weighs on you for so long it leaves you looking for an easy way out. There will be moments when the drought of joy seems unending. Instances spent pretending that everything is alright when it clearly is not, check your blind spot. See that love is still there, be patient. Every nightmare has a beginning, but every bad day has an end. Ignore what others have called you. I am calling you friend. Make us comprehend the urgency of your crisis. Silence left to its own devices, breed's silence. So speak and be heard. One word after the next, express yourself and put your life in the context – if you find that no one is listening, be loud. Make noise. Stand in poise and be open. Hope in these situations is not enough and you will need someone to lean on. In the unlikely event that you have no one, look again. Everyone is blessed with the ability to listen. The deaf will hear you with their eyes. The blind will see you with their hands. Let your heart fill their news-stands, Let them read all about it. Admit to the bad days, the impossible nights. Listen to the insights of those who have been there, but come back. They will tell you; you can stack misery, you can pack disappear you can even wear your sorrow – but come tomorrow you must change your clothes. Everyone knows pain. We are not meant to carry it forever. We were never meant to hold it so closely, so be certain in the belief that what pain belongs to now will belong soon to then. That when someone asks you how was your day, realize that for some of us – it's the only way we know how to say, be calm. Loosen your grip, opening each palm, slowly now – let go."




PRACTICAL COMPASSION | Sharing thoughts, ideas, and visions of a more compassionate, collaborative, joy-filled world.

Pain: Our Common Denominator

“I am struck by how sharing our weakness and difficulties is more nourishing to others than sharing our qualities and successes.” 

~  Jean Vanier, Community And Growth

Image courtesy of Molly Rice | Your Journey Forward

Over the last few weeks I've come to realize something quite basic, yet valuable.

I'm someone who is always trying to find common ground on which to build conversation about matters of import. What I've come to realize is this:  Pain is our common denominator.

It is the space that holds the potential to create genuine connection and embrace authentic compassion, for ourselves and others.

Pain is a fundamental part of this human experience.  I'm learning that there is something about giving voice to our pain and sharing it with others -- and listening to another soul do the same -- that creates a powerful connection.  Sharing, acknowledging, then releasing the pain can be extraordinarily healing.

One of my most painful experiences was the stillbirth of my son, Joshua, 22 years ago.  Normally when a child is born, the physician, nurse or midwife says, "Time of birth....".  When Joshua was born, I heard "Time of death, 2:12."

Devastating.

I believe stillbirth, even more so than miscarriage, has been a taboo subject in our society for a long, long time.  It's a discussion that is usually avoided like the plague, as are the parents themselves.

There is so much loss tied in with the loss of a child, beyond missing the relationship itself.  You lose your hopes and dreams for that child, and yourself; you grieve the loss of that future.  So often you lose friendships as well, due to others' discomfort with your own primal grief.

Just a few days ago I received an email, announcing a new film.  I had no idea what it was about but started watching it, then found myself in tears.

RETURN TO ZERO is the first film to focus on this tender topic (release date to be determined). They have an amazing cast:  Minnie Driver, Paul Edelstein, Kathy Baker, Connie Neilsen, Alfred Molina and others.  Please see the video trailer below.

As for my personal experience, I was definitely treated as a leper after I gave birth to Joshua. People were simply so uncomfortable and didn't know what to say or do. I was new to the area and most of my friends were from childbirth classes, pregnancy yoga classes, etc. I realize they turned away because they couldn't bear to imagine that the same could happen to them; still, it was painful to be ignored, to feel invisible. (In case you're wondering, I had a perfect pregnancy; no problems whatsoever. We'll never know what happened.)

Even though it is a tragedy, I want to add that most of us who have experienced the loss of a child would go through the experience again and again if it meant we could hold our child just one more time.

Another mom wrote this on the Return to Zero Facebook Page, but it echoes my feelings:

"After everything I went through when my child died and after everything that I am still going through, I would do it all over again. Why? Because he is my son, my beloved child and I would do anything just to hold him again. I would endure all of that pain and heartache because it would mean that I would get to experience all of that LOVE in its rawest most beautiful form again. I would STILL choose him because I STILL love him."

While I obviously can't speak for everyone, I think that's a very important message many of us want to convey.  Please don't pity us or think we wish we never would have been pregnant to begin with. On the contrary, we treasure what little time we had.  So many memories are now rushing back...

After his birth, once I was ready to interact with others, I longed to talk about Joshua, just as new moms and dads do about their children.  I wanted to tell my friends how cute his nose was, tell them about his hair and about how very perfect he was in every way.  I wanted to talk about my labor and delivery, and relive the pregnancy.  I wanted to share all the joy I experienced over those 10 months.  I wanted to keep his memory alive.

But that was too difficult for others...they pulled away.  The pulling away from those who are grieving, because of our own human discomfort with others' pain and grief, creates more pain.  (Please know that both my family and that of my ex-husband were absolutely wonderful in every way.  I don't have the words to express how much I appreciate their support then, and their continued acknowledgement of and love for Joshua all these years later.)

I have always had tremendous compassion for those who cannot be with anyone in the throes of grief or in pain in any way.  I truly understand how difficult it is to be immersed in someone else's pain.  While it was upsetting to have people turn away from me, I do understand; I even understood that at the time, so I never became angry.

Hopefully this film will raise awareness and nurture more open dialogue, which can lead to more compassion, more healing and, I dare say, more joy.

As fate would have it, I stumbled upon this Kahlil Gibran poem the same day I learned about Return to Zero.

ON PAIN

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. 

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain. 

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem  less wondrous than your joy; 

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that  pass over your fields. 

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief. 

Much of your pain is self-chosen. 

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. 

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility: 

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen, 

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has  moistened with His own sacred tears. 

Khalil Gibran

PLEASE VISIT THE WEBSITE: RETURN TO ZERO: THE MOVIE

~ Dena | About Me

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