We Are Not Whiners or Victims, You Are GASLIGHTERS

UPDATE 1/27/16:
Yesterday Donald Trump announced that he will not be attending the next Republican Presidential Candidate debate because Megyn Kelly will be a moderator. The fall-out from this is fascinating. What I've observed is that, while Trump has behaved as an adolescent during his entire campaign, using twitter as his personal insult generator, whenever anyone responds in kind -- including the Fox News Channel -- he somehow comes out looking like the adult in the room. He is very, very thin-skinned, and any criticism is met with a full-on verbal assault by Trump. When the criticism comes even remotely in the form of Trump's brand of nastiness and snark, he somehow responds in a way that magically comes across as though he's taking the high road and need not engage such silliness.

It dawned on me just now that in so many ways Trump is the epitome of the group behavior many of today's right-wing conservatives have exhibited over the last eight years. I used to refer to them as Tea Party conservatives, but I suppose the best way to describe them now is Trump followers.

Trump and his followers are cloaked in their feelings of outrage and victimization. It frustrates me that so many white, heterosexual, conservative Christians don't seem to grasp that they have been the majority (and still are right now) in this country forever, and that our systems and institutions reflect that (history books have always taught "white" history, hence the need to shine a spotlight on neglected history: AA, Latino, etc.; until fairly recently you primarily saw only white, straight people on TV shows, in magazines, etc). 

I don't think Trump or his followers will ever be able to step back and look at the bigger picture to see how other groups have TRULY been marginalized and TRULY oppressed and exploited and continue to be in many ways. Instead, they see themselves as victims and that there is a war on their way of life. These "others" -- non-white, non-Christian, non-heterosexual --  who are simply trying to be part of the mainstream and NOT in the margins any longer are perceived as waging war against white, heterosexual, conservative Christians. 

(Even though in truth Trump supporters are not marginalized in the United States, they FEEL marginalized, and I suppose that's what really matters. Just as legitimately marginalized groups have created their own media and institutions because they were not welcome in mainstream society, if Trump and his followers were to create their own media channel, for example, that's fine. So long as they don't spend all their energy bashing and trying to tear down everyone else in their fear of "the other" and instead celebrate their white, heterosexual, conservative Christian culture, I think that's fine. Sad and unnecessary, but fine.)

This twisted, inverted, distorted victim role and denial which Trump and his followers embrace so passionately reminded me of something I write about frequently:  Gaslighting.

I think THAT is the diagnosis I was searching for to describe the behavior of Trump and his followers, so I'm sharing this post from 2014 which speaks to the phenomenon of gaslighting.  

I'll end this update section by sharing a recent Facebook post to show that this phenomenon has only intensified over the years. 

US Citizen #1: "I love that Trump and others are finally openly saying we need more white-only and Christian-only immigrants. Muslims and blacks and Hispanics -- no. They get too much attention and special treatment and handouts and that's why this country is going to hell. Screw all this PC shit. When white people have our values catered to, then America will be great again."

US Citizen #2: "When white people have our values catered to....dude, listen to yourself. That means you believe being white is superior. A lot of white people believe that, so you're not alone. But, you DO realize that is the definition of white supremacy and what fuels racism, right?"

US Citizen #1: "There you go again, being racist! I can't stand you race baiters, calling people like me racist. You're the ones being bigots against me and you don't even see it. Hypocrites."

That is SERIOUSLY the national conversation that has been going on for a while now.

*head explodes*

* * * * * * * 

PLEASE NOTE: I fully realize that any critique I share regarding others' behavior can be perceived as precisely what I'm criticizing: Lumping groups of together people in presumptuous ways. That's a rather common refrain now, that liberals are intolerant because we criticize those with racist, bigoted, narrow-minded and even bullying behavior. (These views and behaviors can be found amongst people of all belief systems, political and otherwise, but I do believe it is most embedded and apparent in today's right-wing conservative movement, in the US and abroad.)

While I definitely try to be careful not to say that every Republican or conservative is a Tea Partier or racist, etc. -- because I do not believe that's true -- I stand by my perception that today's Republican Party is chock full of extremists mirroring the Limbaughs and Hannitys of the world. Conservatives who are not extremists and do not hold the extreme social conservative views which seek to rewrite history and deflect responsibility and are harmful to so many need to speak up more to dispel this growing national perception.

I share my views here because I feel it's important for people to be aware of the behavior known as "gaslighting," and because self-awareness and self-compassion are necessary in order to counteract gaslighting behavior which can be so very destructive.  

* * * * *

I've always longed to have honest discussions with people who, at least on the surface, seem to hold a rather apparent racist, bigoted worldview and support policies which perpetuate systemic inequality and cultural "othering."

It can only begin with acknowledging that, to some degree, we all have biases and prejudice, as very few people today are comfortable being honest about their racist views and behavior. (I do know people who were very honest about their racism prior to President Obama's election; they now deny it...likely because Rush Limbaugh et. al. have encouraged them to deny, deny, deny and to deflect, deflect, deflect.)

I usually get stuck right off the bat in trying to initiate a real discussion when I'm met with comments like these:  "I'm not racist" (even when I know this is patently untrue based on knowing this individual for decades), "You're the only one who is bringing up race," "Just because I don't like Obama doesn't mean I'm racist" (even when Obama nor politics have been mentioned at all) and, the proverbial, "Your side (liberals) are the real racists. You want to hold people down and make them victims."

I never delved into the mindset behind the last comment -- "You want to hold people down and make them victims" -- until recently, trying to better understand that point of view by reading various articles, all written by conservative Republicans, which espouse this opinion about group victimhood. 

After reading several posts, I realized something very important. Their consensus opinion is that any group of people, at least up until this point in time viewed as a minority group -- non-white people, non-Christians, women, LGBT, immigrants, any homeless persons and others living in poverty, etc -- should not be afforded any special attention or consideration. We know today's Tea Party-type conservatives (who are the face of the Republican Party at this time, fair or not) loathe any and all social safety net programs (other than Social Security and Medicaid, which they don't seem to realize ARE a social program administered by the federal government), equal opportunity programs, etc. They say it's because it perpetuates victimhood and thus "keeps people down." They say liberals intentionally try to keep people down to manipulate them and, of course, to get their vote.

On the surface, their views about victimhood may make sense. I agree that perpetuating victimhood isn't a healthy, positive thing at all.

Yet it's maddening when, for example, white, male, wealthy 1%ers  wallow in feigned victimhood, while simultaneously condemning groups of people who have historically held little power and sway in this country as whiners when we raise our voices.

Here the thing, and I'll speak for myself as a woman, which is one of the groups their message is aimed at:

It is NOT about seeing oneself as a victim, even when that label may apply in every way, shape and form. Standing up and speaking out and demanding change -- something that TERRIFIES many of today's conservatives and Republicans -- is about standing in the truth that WE ARE ALL OF EQUAL WORTH as human beings. We each deserve EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES, recognizing the outcomes will be different due to many factors. But when the system doesn't provide equal opportunities and systemically is set up for certain groups of people to excel and others to fail and suffer -- for certain groups of people to be viewed as intrinsically better than and others less than -- that must change.  (Of course there are always exceptions, and sometimes white, male, Christian, heterosexual men can be discriminated against, but that is definitely the exception, not the rule.)

Speaking out about that, including speaking out on others' behalf, is NOT seeing or presenting oneself or anyone else as a weak, powerless victim. On the contrary, it's OWNING OUR POWER and innate sense of value and worth. Speaking out and even voting with that in mind is not victimhood.

TODAY'S REPUBLICAN PARTY -- leadership, public figures, pundits -- IS FULL OF GASLIGHTERS. (Edit to add: Now, in 2016, this is being seen in the Democratic Party as well, though not nearly as much as in the GOP. Gaslighting is contagious.)

Gaslighters. They. Are. Gaslighters. Read about it. It is a very real phenomenon.

This type of behavior, including in the political sphere -- the politics of gaslighting, deflecting,  dehumanization and "othering" and calling anyone who speaks to the systemic, institutionalized inequality whiners or worse -- affects everyone.

For the group of people who have experienced the most power and privilege in the United States (yes, white, heterosexual, Christians...especially men...have undeniably wielded the most power throughout this country's history) to condemn marginalized groups, who have recently been much more visible and vocal, as being whiners and waging war on "conservative values" is a fascinating thing to behold. For these same people to twist what is happening and place themselves in the role of victim and whiner and have no awareness that they are doing this is a study in some sort of collective psychosis.

I happen to believe that many of these people, especially those in leadership positions or those with a public platform, are fully aware of what they're doing.

THEY ARE GASLIGHTERS. 

Don't let anyone gaslight you. Not spouses, boyfriends, not girlfriends, not family members, not employers or co-workers, not politicians, not religious leaders, not media. No one.

Don't let anyone make you doubt your own experience, your own story and your own truth.

Call them out. Tell them you won't tolerate their gaslighting. Introduce them to the term. You matter in this world. I matter in this world. Don't let anyone make you doubt this by twisting and manipulating our stories for their own agenda, one usually fueled by their own fear and need to dominate and control.

To deny the stories and the history of entire groups of people and longstanding institutions and systems of inequality is large-scale gaslighting.

I believe that standing in your own truth is one of the purest forms of self-compassion. Be aware, be mindful, be introspective, then STAND STRONG in your knowing. 

~ Dena

PRACTICAL COMPASSION | Sharing thoughts, ideas, and visions of a more compassionate, collaborative, joy-filled world.

My One, Personal Absolute Truth

Watching the video by Matthew Vines (see below) regarding The Bible and homosexuality prompted this blog post. I share in order to document my own views and beliefs in a comprehensive way, more than I have ever done before, which is helpful for me in my ongoing quest to know myself as fully as possible. I also share in case my journey is of value to anyone else, and for insight into the foundation of my work.  

I recognize and appreciate great wisdom in religions and sacred texts, and respect that they can be a source of truth for others. I, however, do not view them as the ultimate, absolute truth or The Word in their totality given the various interpretations, translations, etc. Even if the Bible -- or any sacred text -- DID clearly condemn same-sex loving relationships, I wouldn't care. It would not form my opinion about the matter. (For those who don't know me personally, I most certainly advocate for equality -- all equality -- including marriage equality.)

The only Absolute Truth that resonates with me, personally, is this:

We are all interconnected; what is done to one is done to all.

It's not something I can prove, but it is what I choose to believe. Maybe that's what "truth" is:  A belief or concept or personal knowing based on experience, even if it can't be proven to others, which is so powerful that it becomes a personal truth? It feels right intuitively, intellectually, and based on my life experience thus far, including powerful experiences in my youth. I don't feel this belief and way of being causes any harm, to anyone or anything. (Note that quantum physics has placed this discussion at the fore from a scientific perspective.)

To me, this interconnectedness is the core message or teaching of all prophets, so I choose to see and appreciate that commonality rather than debate any scripture or religious path. An acknowledgment of our Interbeing and faith in the same can lead to profound love and a reverence for life.

Why can't that one message be the basis of how we interact, and also be the basis - though, granted, not the totality -- of one's religious faith?

Those drawn to various religions can still be guided by their chosen prophet and sacred text and embrace that as their truth, one which brings them comfort, strength, connection and other positive experiences. (Edit to add:  I use the word "chosen" prophet, as I feel it is a choice to follow a specific religious path, or not; I respect that many people feel they were chosen to follow a path, rather than the other way around, and I don't intend my use of the word "choice" repeatedly to be offensive in any way.)

The one seemingly simple, straightforward universal truth or reality of our interconnectedness and Interbeing doesn't negate nor diminish any religious path in my opinion.

When one's chosen religious path nurtures a GENUINE feeling of harmony, and an appreciation and love of other people...all people, including those of other faiths and belief systems, as well as agnostics and atheists...rather than separation and disconnection and feelings of superiority, isn't that a very good thing?

When someone's choice not to embrace a religious path nurtures, for them, a genuine feeling of unity, appreciation, respect and love of Humanity...without a sense of superiority...isn't that a very good thing?

I think so. And I would love to see more of this particular manifestation of GOOD.

As I see it, no book is a comprehensive handbook with CLEAR instructions for every situation, for every time period, for every culture, for every human being; if there were, surely it would contain step-by-step instructions for parenthood (haven't all parents wished there were a manual with clear, practical instructions for every situation, for every child, not subject to misinterpretation?).

There is guidance to be found in many writings, including sacred writings, though it's often subjective based on our individual experience and culture. It's still up to us to put any wisdom we glean into practice each day.

Therefore, in my most humble opinion, we need to cultivate and explore our inner wisdom and develop stronger intuition in order to do that. If religious sacred text and a reverence for the same is how someone gets develops a stronger connection to their inner wisdom and intuition, and strengthens and deepens relationships (physical and metaphysical), I think that's wonderful -- even admirable -- so long as the heart and discernment are engaged in a meaningful way.

I do realize a declaration to follow a chosen religion, prophet and scripture is how many believe they will be saved in the afterlife, and thus they worry about loved ones, or perhaps even strangers, not joining them. I don't know what to say about that other than we all believe different things about life and afterlife. No one really knows for sure how this all works and with the ability to prove to all others, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what they believe regarding how this all works.

We can choose to believe, with a fervor and loyalty and reverence and indeed a strong sense of knowing, but we don't really know...not for everyone else. I do feel strongly that when we know ourselves, and I mean truly Know Who We Are at each phase of our journey, we can recognize that something is true for us; conversely, when we really know ourselves, we recognize when something is not true for us or doesn't resonate in a deep, meaningful way. I've never understood how anyone can say that the truths they believe -- intangible, metaphysical, spiritual truths -- are true for others, especially when our own individual truths/beliefs/knowings often shift throughout our lives and also given our current limitations in awareness. What we can "see" and prove has evolved throughout the course of Humanity's history. Our awareness evolves.

I personally believe there is more integrity and wisdom in the asking of questions, accepting humility in the face of Being Human and all that entails, than in the intransigent, unyielding, authoritative voices of those who profess to know THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH.

Having never been religious though do consider myself spiritual, I've been told by a few people close to me that my views about religion are offensive, in that I don't accept any one sacred text as The Absolute Truth. I've never intended that to mean that I feel those who do embrace one path and one sacred text as their truth are "less than" in any way; it's simply that I don't fully understand it, because it's not something that has ever felt right for me. (That said, no doubt I have made snarky or even hurtful comments at some point in my life when I have perceived religious persons or groups as being hypocritical and causing harm as a result of their beliefs.) What I have a problem with is when religion is imposed upon others, or when it is used to imply or overtly say that anyone who doesn't believe the same is inferior or less than in some way. That is a subtle form of harm and "othering" -- a feeling of disconnection and isolation as a result of feeling judged as inferior in some way -- though we also know the tragic examples of religion being manipulated in horrible ways to inflict overt harm and destruction throughout our history.

Is anything I wrote above offensive to anyone, religious or otherwise? Granted, I realize some who are extremely devout may take pity on me, feeling I am lacking as a human being in some way or that I am lost. In truth, I don't feel lost…no more than anyone else, if they're being honest with themselves. I tend to feel we're all lost and broken to various degrees. For the most part as I look back on my life, I do feel rather whole and integrated concerning my spirituality, always striving to remain open and mindful, learning as I walk this path of Being Human. I have, however, most definitely experienced cycles of a dark night of the soul and a crisis of faith.

When I use the word faith I mean faith in humanity, faith in myself and, most importantly, faith in our shared connection to a transcendent, cohesive force beyond our current realm of comprehension; a force or energy that, as yet, cannot be described or explained. While my faith in Humanity and myself may waiver, my belief in a transcendent force I interchangeably call God or Spirit never has. I cannot prove the existence of how I perceive this energy that I shall call Spirit or God, and that is precisely why I say I have faith in its existence. I don't ridicule or condemn anyone who doesn't share that belief. It is my personal choice to have faith, and I respect the choice of others to not believe, because the existence of Spirit cannot (as yet) be proven in an absolute way.

Rather than tout a knowing of an Absolute Truth, it's more accurate to say that I believe in the Absolute Truth of our interconnectedness, with a "higher" unseen energy residing within us and all around us, providing the glue for our interconnectedness. (Both Tinker Bell ["Clap if you believe!"] and Star Wars ["May the force be with you"] just came to mind...lol.)

Alternately, some may condemn my way of seeing things and of being in this world, or doubt my faith and spirituality and individual journey. That has only happened once in my life, fairly recently. I found the questioning and lack of respect for my own faith much more hurtful than someone pitying or even condemning me. Considering that religious persons may have felt judged and questioned and condemned by me in the past, I can empathize with that hurt. That was never my intention, and even though I put a lot of effort into being mindful of my intentions and how conveying them may be perceived, I can't control how others interpret what I say or do. But the thought that I may have caused others that particular pain makes me pause and is another reason for writing this, to offer an apology.

Finally, with all that said, I now have a question:

Is a belief that all life is connected -- our Interbeing -- a fringe belief or do you also embrace this belief, regardless of your religious or spiritual faith or lack thereof?

I'd love to hear your thoughts and feelings about what I have written, so please feel free to comment. Thanks for reading.


~ Dena

EDIT TO ADD:  I would love to collaborate with the faith communities in my work at Our Good If anyone reading is interested in collaboration, please contact me.  :)







PRACTICAL COMPASSION | Sharing thoughts, ideas, and visions of a more meaningful, compassionate, collaborative, joy-filled world.