My One, Personal Absolute Truth

Watching the video by Matthew Vines (see below) regarding The Bible and homosexuality prompted this blog post. I share in order to document my own views and beliefs in a comprehensive way, more than I have ever done before, which is helpful for me in my ongoing quest to know myself as fully as possible. I also share in case my journey is of value to anyone else, and for insight into the foundation of my work.  

I recognize and appreciate great wisdom in religions and sacred texts, and respect that they can be a source of truth for others. I, however, do not view them as the ultimate, absolute truth or The Word in their totality given the various interpretations, translations, etc. Even if the Bible -- or any sacred text -- DID clearly condemn same-sex loving relationships, I wouldn't care. It would not form my opinion about the matter. (For those who don't know me personally, I most certainly advocate for equality -- all equality -- including marriage equality.)

The only Absolute Truth that resonates with me, personally, is this:

We are all interconnected; what is done to one is done to all.

It's not something I can prove, but it is what I choose to believe. Maybe that's what "truth" is:  A belief or concept or personal knowing based on experience, even if it can't be proven to others, which is so powerful that it becomes a personal truth? It feels right intuitively, intellectually, and based on my life experience thus far, including powerful experiences in my youth. I don't feel this belief and way of being causes any harm, to anyone or anything. (Note that quantum physics has placed this discussion at the fore from a scientific perspective.)

To me, this interconnectedness is the core message or teaching of all prophets, so I choose to see and appreciate that commonality rather than debate any scripture or religious path. An acknowledgment of our Interbeing and faith in the same can lead to profound love and a reverence for life.

Why can't that one message be the basis of how we interact, and also be the basis - though, granted, not the totality -- of one's religious faith?

Those drawn to various religions can still be guided by their chosen prophet and sacred text and embrace that as their truth, one which brings them comfort, strength, connection and other positive experiences. (Edit to add:  I use the word "chosen" prophet, as I feel it is a choice to follow a specific religious path, or not; I respect that many people feel they were chosen to follow a path, rather than the other way around, and I don't intend my use of the word "choice" repeatedly to be offensive in any way.)

The one seemingly simple, straightforward universal truth or reality of our interconnectedness and Interbeing doesn't negate nor diminish any religious path in my opinion.

When one's chosen religious path nurtures a GENUINE feeling of harmony, and an appreciation and love of other people...all people, including those of other faiths and belief systems, as well as agnostics and atheists...rather than separation and disconnection and feelings of superiority, isn't that a very good thing?

When someone's choice not to embrace a religious path nurtures, for them, a genuine feeling of unity, appreciation, respect and love of Humanity...without a sense of superiority...isn't that a very good thing?

I think so. And I would love to see more of this particular manifestation of GOOD.

As I see it, no book is a comprehensive handbook with CLEAR instructions for every situation, for every time period, for every culture, for every human being; if there were, surely it would contain step-by-step instructions for parenthood (haven't all parents wished there were a manual with clear, practical instructions for every situation, for every child, not subject to misinterpretation?).

There is guidance to be found in many writings, including sacred writings, though it's often subjective based on our individual experience and culture. It's still up to us to put any wisdom we glean into practice each day.

Therefore, in my most humble opinion, we need to cultivate and explore our inner wisdom and develop stronger intuition in order to do that. If religious sacred text and a reverence for the same is how someone gets develops a stronger connection to their inner wisdom and intuition, and strengthens and deepens relationships (physical and metaphysical), I think that's wonderful -- even admirable -- so long as the heart and discernment are engaged in a meaningful way.

I do realize a declaration to follow a chosen religion, prophet and scripture is how many believe they will be saved in the afterlife, and thus they worry about loved ones, or perhaps even strangers, not joining them. I don't know what to say about that other than we all believe different things about life and afterlife. No one really knows for sure how this all works and with the ability to prove to all others, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what they believe regarding how this all works.

We can choose to believe, with a fervor and loyalty and reverence and indeed a strong sense of knowing, but we don't really know...not for everyone else. I do feel strongly that when we know ourselves, and I mean truly Know Who We Are at each phase of our journey, we can recognize that something is true for us; conversely, when we really know ourselves, we recognize when something is not true for us or doesn't resonate in a deep, meaningful way. I've never understood how anyone can say that the truths they believe -- intangible, metaphysical, spiritual truths -- are true for others, especially when our own individual truths/beliefs/knowings often shift throughout our lives and also given our current limitations in awareness. What we can "see" and prove has evolved throughout the course of Humanity's history. Our awareness evolves.

I personally believe there is more integrity and wisdom in the asking of questions, accepting humility in the face of Being Human and all that entails, than in the intransigent, unyielding, authoritative voices of those who profess to know THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH.

Having never been religious though do consider myself spiritual, I've been told by a few people close to me that my views about religion are offensive, in that I don't accept any one sacred text as The Absolute Truth. I've never intended that to mean that I feel those who do embrace one path and one sacred text as their truth are "less than" in any way; it's simply that I don't fully understand it, because it's not something that has ever felt right for me. (That said, no doubt I have made snarky or even hurtful comments at some point in my life when I have perceived religious persons or groups as being hypocritical and causing harm as a result of their beliefs.) What I have a problem with is when religion is imposed upon others, or when it is used to imply or overtly say that anyone who doesn't believe the same is inferior or less than in some way. That is a subtle form of harm and "othering" -- a feeling of disconnection and isolation as a result of feeling judged as inferior in some way -- though we also know the tragic examples of religion being manipulated in horrible ways to inflict overt harm and destruction throughout our history.

Is anything I wrote above offensive to anyone, religious or otherwise? Granted, I realize some who are extremely devout may take pity on me, feeling I am lacking as a human being in some way or that I am lost. In truth, I don't feel lost…no more than anyone else, if they're being honest with themselves. I tend to feel we're all lost and broken to various degrees. For the most part as I look back on my life, I do feel rather whole and integrated concerning my spirituality, always striving to remain open and mindful, learning as I walk this path of Being Human. I have, however, most definitely experienced cycles of a dark night of the soul and a crisis of faith.

When I use the word faith I mean faith in humanity, faith in myself and, most importantly, faith in our shared connection to a transcendent, cohesive force beyond our current realm of comprehension; a force or energy that, as yet, cannot be described or explained. While my faith in Humanity and myself may waiver, my belief in a transcendent force I interchangeably call God or Spirit never has. I cannot prove the existence of how I perceive this energy that I shall call Spirit or God, and that is precisely why I say I have faith in its existence. I don't ridicule or condemn anyone who doesn't share that belief. It is my personal choice to have faith, and I respect the choice of others to not believe, because the existence of Spirit cannot (as yet) be proven in an absolute way.

Rather than tout a knowing of an Absolute Truth, it's more accurate to say that I believe in the Absolute Truth of our interconnectedness, with a "higher" unseen energy residing within us and all around us, providing the glue for our interconnectedness. (Both Tinker Bell ["Clap if you believe!"] and Star Wars ["May the force be with you"] just came to mind...lol.)

Alternately, some may condemn my way of seeing things and of being in this world, or doubt my faith and spirituality and individual journey. That has only happened once in my life, fairly recently. I found the questioning and lack of respect for my own faith much more hurtful than someone pitying or even condemning me. Considering that religious persons may have felt judged and questioned and condemned by me in the past, I can empathize with that hurt. That was never my intention, and even though I put a lot of effort into being mindful of my intentions and how conveying them may be perceived, I can't control how others interpret what I say or do. But the thought that I may have caused others that particular pain makes me pause and is another reason for writing this, to offer an apology.

Finally, with all that said, I now have a question:

Is a belief that all life is connected -- our Interbeing -- a fringe belief or do you also embrace this belief, regardless of your religious or spiritual faith or lack thereof?

I'd love to hear your thoughts and feelings about what I have written, so please feel free to comment. Thanks for reading.


~ Dena

EDIT TO ADD:  I would love to collaborate with the faith communities in my work at Our Good If anyone reading is interested in collaboration, please contact me.  :)







PRACTICAL COMPASSION | Sharing thoughts, ideas, and visions of a more meaningful, compassionate, collaborative, joy-filled world.

DO YOU LOVE YOU?

(Original post at Wishadoo.org)

It's Valentine's Day -- February 14, 2014 – and love, love, love is in the air. One day each year we're surrounded by talk of love and bear witness to ways of expressing our love for one another. 

A few days ago a dear friend posed a question which elicited a rather unusual reply from me.  I didn't realize it as I began composing my reply, but what I ended up sharing was a revelation about my core personal beliefs. In keeping with the intention to deepen my work, I'm sharing this interaction and my feelings about love this Valentine's Day.

The question posed by my friend, who was in a state of emotional distress, involved seeking spiritual guidance and the most effective, meaningful way to do that.

(Spiritual.  See, merely typing that word here, publicly, is a shift for me and part of the deepening of which I speak. I have always considered myself spiritual though not religious. What I mean by that is that I, personally, feel I have a direct connection with ______ [insert your chosen word here; I really don't have a word, which may be why I have avoided discussing in depth in the past].  I genuinely respect most people who follow a religious path or specific spiritual path, as well as those who claim the labels of atheist and agnostic. I see it all as a choice; we're each making a choice as to what we believe regarding the realm of the unseen and deeper meaning. I am one of those annoying people who freely admits I do not know anything, and I'm okay with that.)

Back to my friend's question…

We have quite a few spiritual friends in common, so I knew she would receive a lot of very helpful, specific guidance regarding others' practices and beliefs.

Yet her question triggered something within me and prompted me to dig deep and explore why most religious and/or spiritual paths don't resonate wholly with me on a personal level.

Here is what I wrote:

Do you believe, or can you open to the possibility, that part of your Being is pure love and sheer perfection? You...the unique soul imprint we know as _____. Your Highest Self, as I call it.

Like you, I also tend to get caught up in words: God, Spirit, The Universe...and get lost when I try to envision or describe God, Spirit, The Universe. So much is beyond our ability to comprehend, imho; I can't begin to put what I choose to believe into words.

When I simply go within and tap into myself, for lack of better words, and trust that part of Who I Am is Pure Love and all the wonderful qualities we attribute to God, Spirit, The Universe, that works for me.

I am more comfortable with myself than with any other being, and I believe we are each manifestations of God/Spirit/The Universe. So, I ask, I beg, I pray, I set intentions, I express gratitude...I convene with my Highest Self, trusting that in doing so I'm also convening with God/Spirit/The Universe. I have an unshakable belief in our Interbeing with all life.

To me, it's a much more simple, direct line of communication, with familiarity, and takes away some of the discomfort, confusion and perhaps even a sense of unworthiness that I sensed in your post when seeking guidance.

I wouldn't ever, ever be afraid to ask something of myself. 

I love myself. I may get disappointed and even disgusted with myself at times but, all in all, I truly and deeply love myself.

I sincerely hope you love you, my friend.  I love you.

I found myself in tears after I wrote that. I felt such tremendous love for myself. No, really, I did. I know it sounds weird, and I'm sharing this precisely because I don't think it should sound or feel weird.

We so often speak of self-love and showing compassion for ourselves and really feeling it, not just saying the words.  Over the last few weeks I've been mindful of saying, out loud, "I love you, Dena." At first it was awkward, but I broke through the awkward stage, and when I wrote my thoughts to my friend I experienced one of those euphoric moments in which I truly felt it…not only for myself but for my friend and all beings. 

Now, don't get me wrong. Many people view me as some touchy-feely, hippie, kumbaya person who espouses "love and light" for everyone and everything, so when I express disdain for someone's actions, they accuse me of being a hypocrite.

The love of which I speak here doesn't translate into me wanting to develop a relationship with every person I meet; there are people I have removed from my life because I view them as toxic, to put it mildly. Removing them from my life is the most loving action I can take for myself and the person involved.

That said, on that "higher" level – the aspect of me that embodies the highest level of my own humanity -- I can say I sincerely love them, as I don't believe they are "evil" or "bad" people in their heart of hearts.  I believe we are intrinsically connected and interdependent in an energetic sense, so I most definitely wish them well and certainly do not wish them any harm.

But I have zero interest in having them in my life, as I strongly dislike aspects of who they are and how they behave and how it all affects me.

I also believe many people who claim to be atheist or agnostic feel this same sense of Interbeing and interconnectedness of which I speak, without being able to (or perhaps without needing to) articulate it.  They recognize that all beings – all humans and all creatures and the Earth herself – are interconnected and interdependent.

I will share more soon about my experiences which have led to this unshakable belief in the interconnectedness of all beings, our Interbeing, as it is the foundation of how I have navigated my journey through life thus far.

My belief in Interbeing is contrasted with the real experience of what I refer to as "othering."  Whenever we feel a sense of disconnection and subsequently treat other beings accordingly – or experience this treatment ourselves --  the result is usually tremendous pain and suffering. Wishadoo! was created to provide a space to connect in an attempt to heal our pain and suffering, and then to inject more joy into our human experience.

In considering my friend's question, I realized that my perception of many spiritual and religious paths involves othering -- a disconnection or externalization of one's faith as being separate from ourselves as individuals. Many believe the origins and core essence of most belief systems and religions are steeped in authentic Universal Love, yet putting those beliefs into practice – including how we pray and convene with Spirit (I'll use that word here) – has become complicated and now seems to require an intermediary of sorts, be it in the form of sacred scripture, clergy, specific rituals, specific prayers, etc. 

(Please know that I realize each person's beliefs are very personal and unique, so I'm not trying to make a blanket statement; I'm sharing my own perceptions and my feelings. Our connection to All That Is is part of my belief in Interbeing, and resultant sensitivity to the pain of disconnection and othering.)

For those of you who do believe in God/Spirit/The Universe, I ask you to please consider the possibility that you may "other" Spirit at times when you doubt your direct connection.

I ask you to please consider the possibility that you may "other" yourself in a multitude of ways more often than you'd like to admit.

I ask you to take a moment to sit quietly and ask yourself: 

"Do I love me?"  

Tell yourself you do. Say it out loud, even if it doesn't feel sincere at first and even if you feel extraordinarily awkward.

"I love you, _____."

Say it until you believe it.  Do the inner work that makes it possible, that makes it authentic.

And know that you are loved.

I say with a full, wide-open heart that I love me.

I also love you.

I love All That Is.

Happy Valentine's Day.

~  Dena

P.S. – The hit song by A Great Big World, Say Something, has really struck a cord with people of all ages (see 4-year-old's emotional reaction). I can't really tell why it touches people so deeply; perhaps it's a very unique, individual reaction for each of us.  I find it poignant yet exquisite in its simplicity.  

I ask you to listen to the song and try not to take it too literally; imagine singing this to yourself.  Don't walk away from yourself, don't give up on yourself. Say something...loving to yourself.  (refresh page if video doesn't show)

PRACTICAL COMPASSION | Sharing thoughts, ideas, and visions of a more compassionate, collaborative, joy-filled world.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR A BAD DAY, by Shane Koyczan

Below are lyrics for the spoken-word poem, "Instructions For A Bad Day"....


"There will be bad days. Be calm. Loosen your grip, opening each palm slowly now. Let go. Be confident. Know that now is only a moment, and that if today is as bad as it gets, understand that by tomorrow, today will have ended. Be gracious. Accept each extended hand offered, to pull you back from the somewhere you cannot escape. Be diligent. Scrape the gray sky clean. Realize every dark cloud is a smoke screen meant to blind us from the truth, and the truth is whether we see them or not - the sun and moon are still there and always there is light. Be forthright. Despite your instinct to say "it's alright, I'm okay" - be honest. Say how you feel without fear or guilt, without remorse or complexity. Be lucid in your explanation, be sterling in your oppose. If you think for one second no one knows what you've been going through; be accepting of the fact that you are wrong, that the long drawn and heavy breaths of despair have at times been felt by everyone - that pain is part of the human condition and that alone makes you a legion. We hungry underdogs, we risers with dawn, we dissmisser's of odds, we blesser's of on – we will station ourselves to the calm. We will hold ourselves to the steady, be ready player one. Life is going to come at you armed with hard times and tough choices, your voice is your weapon, your thoughts ammunition – there are no free extra men, be aware that as the instant now passes, it exists now as then. So be a mirror reflecting yourself back, and remembering the times when you thought all of this was too hard and you'd never make it through. Remember the times you could have pressed quit – but you hit continue. Be forgiving. Living with the burden of anger, is not living. Giving your focus to wrath will leave your entire self absent of what you need. Love and hate are beasts and the one that grows is the one you feed. Be persistent. Be the weed growing through the cracks in the cement, beautiful - because it doesn't know it's not supposed to grow there. Be resolute. Declare what you accept as true in a way that envisions the resolve with which you accept it. If you are having a good day, be considerate. A simple smile could be the first-aid kit that someone has been looking for. If you believe with absolute honesty that you are doing everything you can - do more. There will be bad days, Times when the world weighs on you for so long it leaves you looking for an easy way out. There will be moments when the drought of joy seems unending. Instances spent pretending that everything is alright when it clearly is not, check your blind spot. See that love is still there, be patient. Every nightmare has a beginning, but every bad day has an end. Ignore what others have called you. I am calling you friend. Make us comprehend the urgency of your crisis. Silence left to its own devices, breed's silence. So speak and be heard. One word after the next, express yourself and put your life in the context – if you find that no one is listening, be loud. Make noise. Stand in poise and be open. Hope in these situations is not enough and you will need someone to lean on. In the unlikely event that you have no one, look again. Everyone is blessed with the ability to listen. The deaf will hear you with their eyes. The blind will see you with their hands. Let your heart fill their news-stands, Let them read all about it. Admit to the bad days, the impossible nights. Listen to the insights of those who have been there, but come back. They will tell you; you can stack misery, you can pack disappear you can even wear your sorrow – but come tomorrow you must change your clothes. Everyone knows pain. We are not meant to carry it forever. We were never meant to hold it so closely, so be certain in the belief that what pain belongs to now will belong soon to then. That when someone asks you how was your day, realize that for some of us – it's the only way we know how to say, be calm. Loosen your grip, opening each palm, slowly now – let go."




PRACTICAL COMPASSION | Sharing thoughts, ideas, and visions of a more compassionate, collaborative, joy-filled world.

Pain: Our Common Denominator

“I am struck by how sharing our weakness and difficulties is more nourishing to others than sharing our qualities and successes.” 

~  Jean Vanier, Community And Growth

Image courtesy of Molly Rice | Your Journey Forward

Over the last few weeks I've come to realize something quite basic, yet valuable.

I'm someone who is always trying to find common ground on which to build conversation about matters of import. What I've come to realize is this:  Pain is our common denominator.

It is the space that holds the potential to create genuine connection and embrace authentic compassion, for ourselves and others.

Pain is a fundamental part of this human experience.  I'm learning that there is something about giving voice to our pain and sharing it with others -- and listening to another soul do the same -- that creates a powerful connection.  Sharing, acknowledging, then releasing the pain can be extraordinarily healing.

One of my most painful experiences was the stillbirth of my son, Joshua, 22 years ago.  Normally when a child is born, the physician, nurse or midwife says, "Time of birth....".  When Joshua was born, I heard "Time of death, 2:12."

Devastating.

I believe stillbirth, even more so than miscarriage, has been a taboo subject in our society for a long, long time.  It's a discussion that is usually avoided like the plague, as are the parents themselves.

There is so much loss tied in with the loss of a child, beyond missing the relationship itself.  You lose your hopes and dreams for that child, and yourself; you grieve the loss of that future.  So often you lose friendships as well, due to others' discomfort with your own primal grief.

Just a few days ago I received an email, announcing a new film.  I had no idea what it was about but started watching it, then found myself in tears.

RETURN TO ZERO is the first film to focus on this tender topic (release date to be determined). They have an amazing cast:  Minnie Driver, Paul Edelstein, Kathy Baker, Connie Neilsen, Alfred Molina and others.  Please see the video trailer below.

As for my personal experience, I was definitely treated as a leper after I gave birth to Joshua. People were simply so uncomfortable and didn't know what to say or do. I was new to the area and most of my friends were from childbirth classes, pregnancy yoga classes, etc. I realize they turned away because they couldn't bear to imagine that the same could happen to them; still, it was painful to be ignored, to feel invisible. (In case you're wondering, I had a perfect pregnancy; no problems whatsoever. We'll never know what happened.)

Even though it is a tragedy, I want to add that most of us who have experienced the loss of a child would go through the experience again and again if it meant we could hold our child just one more time.

Another mom wrote this on the Return to Zero Facebook Page, but it echoes my feelings:

"After everything I went through when my child died and after everything that I am still going through, I would do it all over again. Why? Because he is my son, my beloved child and I would do anything just to hold him again. I would endure all of that pain and heartache because it would mean that I would get to experience all of that LOVE in its rawest most beautiful form again. I would STILL choose him because I STILL love him."

While I obviously can't speak for everyone, I think that's a very important message many of us want to convey.  Please don't pity us or think we wish we never would have been pregnant to begin with. On the contrary, we treasure what little time we had.  So many memories are now rushing back...

After his birth, once I was ready to interact with others, I longed to talk about Joshua, just as new moms and dads do about their children.  I wanted to tell my friends how cute his nose was, tell them about his hair and about how very perfect he was in every way.  I wanted to talk about my labor and delivery, and relive the pregnancy.  I wanted to share all the joy I experienced over those 10 months.  I wanted to keep his memory alive.

But that was too difficult for others...they pulled away.  The pulling away from those who are grieving, because of our own human discomfort with others' pain and grief, creates more pain.  (Please know that both my family and that of my ex-husband were absolutely wonderful in every way.  I don't have the words to express how much I appreciate their support then, and their continued acknowledgement of and love for Joshua all these years later.)

I have always had tremendous compassion for those who cannot be with anyone in the throes of grief or in pain in any way.  I truly understand how difficult it is to be immersed in someone else's pain.  While it was upsetting to have people turn away from me, I do understand; I even understood that at the time, so I never became angry.

Hopefully this film will raise awareness and nurture more open dialogue, which can lead to more compassion, more healing and, I dare say, more joy.

As fate would have it, I stumbled upon this Kahlil Gibran poem the same day I learned about Return to Zero.

ON PAIN

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. 

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain. 

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem  less wondrous than your joy; 

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that  pass over your fields. 

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief. 

Much of your pain is self-chosen. 

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. 

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility: 

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen, 

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has  moistened with His own sacred tears. 

Khalil Gibran

PLEASE VISIT THE WEBSITE: RETURN TO ZERO: THE MOVIE

~ Dena | About Me

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